Do "Unnatural" Acts Cause Natural Disasters?
Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition, recently warned Orlando, Florida, that it was courting natural disaster by allowing gay pride flags to be flown along its streets. "A condition like this will bring about ... earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor," he said, apparently referring to his belief that the presence of openly gay people incurs divine wrath and that God acts through geological and meteorological events to destroy municipalities that permit gay people the same civil liberties as others. (Robertson also warned Orlando about terrorist bombs, suggesting the possibility that God may also employ terrorists.)
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our church leader.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
A Lost Chapter in the Book of Genesis
Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
On her radio show recently, Dr. Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, author unknown. It's funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination...End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
by Cindy Scott
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With many forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."
Any good religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women.
(Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5.)
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
by Swami Beyondananda
Be a fundamentalist. Make sure FUN always comes before the MENTAL.
Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be cancelled.
A laugh track has been provided and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more material.
Have a good laughsitive twice a day and that will insure regularhilarity.
The people at Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you.Â Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'.
Note from Mary: There are many versions of this story on the internet with different names and schools mentioned. I suspect this is the correct version but have no way of verifying.
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997.
Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing."Â
"With the price of everything else going up these days, aren't you glad the Lord hasn't increased the tithe to 15%?"Â
"When it comes to giving until it hurts, most people have a very low threshold of pain."
Ice Cream Sexuality - 2:30 minutes
This cartoon from Bill Nye Saves the World uses various ice cream flavors as part of a hysterical analogy on the intolerant views of Christians when it comes to sexuality.
It starts off with various flavors of ice cream showing up at an "Ice Cream Conversion Therapy" group. Vanilla is the dogmatic leader of the group. "It's the science of feelings, and as vanilla, I feel that I am the most natural of the ice creams. And therefore the rest of you should just go ahead and also be vanilla. It's the one true flavor."
But his stance immediately weakens once he gets a quick lick of salted caramel, and then all hell breaks loose (literally, if you're a vanilla thinker) as they all jump into the bowl together and vanilla sees his true inner flavor.
Shrimp, crab, lobster, clams, mussels, all these are anÂ abominationÂ before the Lord, just as gays are an abomination.Â Why stop at protesting gay marriage?Â BringÂ allÂ of God's law unto the heathens and the sodomites.
We call upon all Christians to join the crusade againstÂ Long John Silver'sÂ andÂ Red Lobster.Â Yea, evenÂ Popeye'sÂ shall be cleansed.Â The name ofÂ BubbaÂ shall be anathema.
We must stop the unbelievers fromÂ destroying the sanctity of our restaurants.
Leviticus 11:9-12Â says:
9Â These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10Â And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
11Â They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.
12Â Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.
Deuteronomy 14:9-10Â says:
9Â These ye shall eat of all that are in the waters: all that have fins and scales shall ye eat:
10Â And whatsoever hath not fins and scales ye may not eat; it is unclean unto you.
1. Â Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes.
Then she's yours. Â ~ (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Â Find a prostitute and marry her. Â ~ Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
developed by Martin Rochlin, Ph.D
- What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
- When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
- Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
- Is is possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns, and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."
by Mary Ann Horton, Lisa and Bill Koontz
(with apologies to Dr. Suess.)
Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot......
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!
The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning
3. Your receipt for attending Mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
â€śIn a Heartbeat" â€“ Animated Short Film by Beth David and Esteban Bravo â€“ A closeted boy runs the risk of being outed by his own heart after it pops out of his chest to chase down the boy of his dreams.
Follow-up â€“ Kids React to the Film â€“ 10:08 minutes
1. Homosexuality is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.